Friday, June 10, 2011

Don’t Drink the Brine

Antigua, Guatemala, June 3, 2011- I partially apologize for some of the suggestions to follow. The Saratogas, a breakfast club of Conservatives, recently administered a test to potential members, via mass email. Their demands are in red, for the fiery passion they deliver. Not really. Remember, there is no intelligent way to respond to the Saratogas. They speak from the darkest depths of humanity, their minds so closed it’s suffocating to even those exposed to their thoughts. This could be an exaggeration, but I’m a glutton for punishment and will try.


You can’t get any more accurate than this! Which side of the fence? If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

The white picket fence from the show with the perfect family or the fence Conservatives want to build on the Mexican border? Either way, if you wonder what side of the fence you’re on you’ve most likely been fooled into painting it. And it’s pretty scary the Saratogas think this is a test. No wonder education has taken a nosedive. The only thing this test proves is how closely related some of us are to apes.

If a Conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn’t buy one. If a Liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

The last thing a Liberal wants to do is outlaw all guns. We’re going to need them. Next time the Saratogas hear Liberals want to ban firepower they should respond with indifference, at least. That said, Liberals do chuckle behind the backs of geared-up hunters posing beside their dead trophies, as though they’re going to feed a village. But, Liberals don’t want to ban all guns. Making them harder to get is simply a good idea. Does that sound crazy or stupid? Liberals would probably own more of them if the fear were as strong, but the dark side of town several miles away does not guarantee an automatic trigger from the gun show. This is a bit of a problem, and it’s not confined to urban minorities, like some music might imply. All sorts of shades are running around with guns, intimidating people and ultimately shooting them dead.

If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat. If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

Wow, where did this come from? I can only guess he’s fat and craps black. And Vegetarians? Is this now a party among the conservative delusions? The idea Conservatives don’t see anything wrong with what has happened to farmers in the last 20 years is ironic and ignorant; they’ve been wiped out by government subsidized industrial farms. These farms not only manufacture meat at alarming rates but their meat is full of diseases and steroids and is practically force fed to American school children by corporate food chains. Way to go Saratogas, this must make you proud. Your bleached meat doesn’t come from a farmer in overalls. It comes from a scientist in a hazmat suit.

As well, the Saratogas are going to have to prove there is a Vegetarian Conservative.

If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a Liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

True Saratogas, Conservatives do quietly lead homosexual lives. It’s so quiet their wives rarely find out.

Yes legislation; how most things in this country are accomplished. Now there’s something wrong with that too. Legislated respect abolished slavery, gave women rights, workers rights, minorities rights, old people rights and will someday give gay people rights. Not special rights, the same rights. Get over it, progress prevails in America, always has always will. Conserve all you want.

If a Conservatives is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A Liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

Unless they work for a big bank. Enough said.

By the way, do the Saratogas have a mascot? They should. I think the cassette tape in available.

If a Conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

This one comes all the way from LaLa Land. I’ll explain later… but first… Fox News reaches over 100 million people, more than all the other “news” outlets combined. Conservative talk radio has nine times more listeners. Always whining. Roger Ailes, the chairman and founder of Fox News, was a political adviser for Nixon, Reagan and Bush 1. Okay, so today this is called news. Fair and Balanced news. Perfect. You’ve wowed us again. Conservatives own the mainstream media. Sara Palin works for the mainstream media; one of the many reasons Liberals think she’s got a lobster’s brain.

And later… Conservatives have spent many more hours trying to ban all sorts of media, whether it’s music, movies or books. Have you skipped over the last two hundred years? This is going to kill the audience. You can’t make this stuff up. What are the Saratogas eating for breakfast? I think it has lead paint in it. Do they know that’s not good for you? Or is that some kind of Vegetarian Party bullshit?

If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. A Liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

Conservatives have spent the last century and half inserting the word God into our culture: in both the Pledge of Allegiance (1954) and on our currency (coins in 1864 and bills in 1956). Not once has it been suggested by a liberal to remove God from the Declaration of Independence and neither is the God mentioned remotely similar to a Christian God. You worship God, that’s fine, but please allow the rest of us to explore other options. Maybe there are a bunch of Jesuses, a few Gods, several Satans, at least ten Easter Bunnies and two Heavens, no Hells. Does it sound so crazy? You might think so. A liberal most likely would, too. Finally, common ground.

If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A Liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

This might clear things up. Fortunately, I think I found something we share in common: the passion to be patriots. If Conservatives want to feel Patriotic they cheerfully and hastily cook up a war in Iraq. If Liberals want to feel Patriotic they cheerfully and hastily cook up healthcare reform. Shame on who? I guess we’ll see how Iraq turns out. The least the conservatives can do is wait and see how healthcare reform turns out. Though the intellect of the Saratogos dates them to at least in their 60s, they most likely won’t be around to see either. But their ambitious outlook tells me they have more faith in the Iraqis then they do in the Americans. Maybe they’re not so patriotic after all, besides a few flag-waving barbecues with firecrackers and paper plates. Shame on anyone who considers wealth an answer to health.

If a Conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A Liberal will delete it because he's "offended".

Wrong again. But maybe the quotes around “offended” mean something I’m not hip to. Let’s forget this hidden wink and assume the content is the same. I’m encouraged and even more certain. This sounds straight from the diary of a madman. Again Saratogas, lay off the lead paint. While you’re at it, stop using it to paint schools. But I will forward this to as many people as possible because it proves how much insight Conservatives lack. I’m sure Liberals will have a better laugh with this than anyone, even a really evil terrorist. At the end of the day, this mentality scares Liberals. It’s primal and limited. Yet, finally, as one last “offensive” jab from the Saratogas, it reminds us, despite the lack of insight, we’ve come along way. It’s impossible to ignore the possibility this is the Saratogas intention and for that Liberals should thank them.

Finally, thanks again Saratogas, you’ve wowed us with your breakfast club and deep intellect over Eggs Benedict. Or is that too French? Maybe some corn fed beef trimmings would suit you better. Your God willing, you will inspire future generations to bomb the Japs.

P.S. I apologize for the length, but the facts are usually in the details. I know that’s not fair.


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