Thursday, February 11, 2010

Brian Wask: The Changey We Hopey For

The following is a query I submitted to the magazine Christianity Today. I never heard back.

Dear Christianity Today,

I know you don’t publish books but your magazine was the first thing that came up when I Googled Christian Publications, and I got a good idea you might want to get behind. In the year 2010 Uganda will contemplate, and most likely consummate, a law sentencing homosexuals to death. According to blogger David Rattigan, “The bill is effectively a mandate for the genocide/mass slaughter/mass murder/wholesale execution – call it what you will – of gays.” I predict this is going to be big. The streets of the capital Kampala are already celebrating with signs like HOMOSEXUALITY IS UGLY AS THE DEVIL WICKED. Now gay Ugandans are going undercover while advocates scramble to toss water on the homophobes controlling legislation. But this is where my book will end. Unless of course it sells well and in that case we should publish a sequel. I’m sharing this idea with you because it’s Christian related and the submissions rules on your website suggests Christian related topics.

And listen to this. Christian kids will love it. Stephenie Meyer can’t write like this. I got a great piece of monolog from one of the main characters already in my head. He says this during a passionate plea to someone, not sure who yet. But he says, “My gay heart feels like it crawled out of my mouth, slithered along the dirty sidewalk and sunk into the gutter, rolled around in trash among body waste and used condoms from gay women, climbed out, filthy and broken and all slimy, pumped back up my muscular chest, into my mouth and nestled between my even gayer lungs.” If that line doesn’t sell you I don’t know what will. You put those words in Hugh Jackman’s mouth you got yourself an Avatar. I promise. Funny side note: This morning my neighbor Feo woke me to tell me he’s leaving to kidnap the preacher Pat Robertson, hoping to hold up production of the 700 Club. Before he left I suggested he might get better leverage with Jerry Springer. He disagreed. Last time we talked he was in Virginia. I called him a fool and a liar but he assured me a shovel was in the trunk. I’m starting to think he’s just a fool. It’s not so funny anymore. But a dead Pat Roberson is.

Sidetracked. Always happens. Happened to congress last week when Admiral Mike Mullen, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and a graduate of the Naval Academy in Annapolis, unexpectedly announced to the Senate Armed Service Committee, “Allowing homosexuals to serve openly would be the right thing to do.” But, it’s speculated, a lot of the Admiral’s parents’ showbiz friends were gay so that makes him bias. He went on to say, “I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens.” Who they are. I’ve come to rely on the military for a few things but never for championing Gay Rights, and with such clarity and logic. Who they are. Those three words stand out for me. I think the Admiral is bias. It seems his parents and their Hollywood hegemonies had a positive influence on his prejudice. That’s possible, so what’s wrong with other people’s parents? To see John McCain’s reaction to Mullen’s statement you’d think the United States was in no position to move forward on any issues while at war with a culture that pushes walls over on suspected homosexuals. McCain thinks we should wait until everyone is ready. I don’t think you wait to do the right thing. Imagine if he became President, with Palin the Punchline as his sidekick. Instead of progress we’d be suffixing our words like a corny couple– changey hopey, smoochie poochie– and talking about converting homosexuals back to the way God made them. That idea scares me more than any Underpants Bomber. You can expect a debate on the issue soon. They had the same kind of debate in 1948, when Harry Truman decided to racially integrate the American military. Conservatives thought that was a bad idea and predicted it would lower morale and ultimately destroy the nation. You following me?

Anyway, back to the book, it should start with a small group of American Missionaries who go to Uganda to spread the word about homosexuality’s dark agenda, its followers hell bent on sodomizing cattle and drinking the blood of straight babies. One of these missionaries is a pastor, who, like a lot of pastors, teaches people who hate themselves to hate others instead. The pastor admits he was gay once but he’s not gay anymore. He’s back with his wife and they even plan to make another baby, so they tell the large crowd gathered in Kampala, a few kind eyes buried beneath the anger. And the crowd roars because one thing gays can’t do is make babies. Or can they? This is where the story takes a huge turn for the better. I swear I guarantee a Pulitzer or an Oscar or a wedding ring for this one. Because the pastor is pregnant… and he’s a man. Go ahead, catch your breath. If you’re anything like me you can see the mechanic from Wings wearing a prosthetic belly and delivering one of the best monologues in cinematic history. He was in Sideways too. I forget his name, but the Oscar goes too… that guy. Good luck Crazy Heart 2.

You get the idea. I can’t explain the book any better. Or the movie, whatever you think will turn a better profit. No doubt both will. Only a retard like that guy on that cable news network would argue otherwise. Imagine, I can see the hardcover edition cradled in the arms of America’s greatest patriots, between Sara Palin’s Going Rogue and Joe the Plumber’s Fighting For the American Dream. Why not, let’s name it Going Rogue While Fighting For the American Dream. I’m going to cry. I hope you’re as happy as I am. This event will feel like a rusty screw-jack turning into the bottom of a liberal’s left foot. Hello champagne. Getting stinking rich feels good, especially when no one else is. Oh, a little something else to think about, maybe another book. George Washington, the first president, gay as Mr. Brady. Swear.


No comments: