Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Sincere Advice For Your Resume

By Brian Wask

These days nobody can find a damn job. The economy is in the toilet, unemployment looks over ten percent and chicks in the human resource department are afraid to take a chance on potential employees. All they want is someone with the (air quotes) right qualifications. Too bad this person doesn’t really exist. No matter who gets hired they’ll spend most of the time checking their Facebook, instant messaging and shopping online for whatever high gets them through the day. But I have some ideas that should help your resume get past the HR department and into the hands of someone who really counts.

At the top of your resume you’re going to want to include your name, among other things. But if your name is regular, like John Sampson, spice it up with something much more appealing. Try taking the last three letters of your first name– Ohn in this case. Put that in front of the last three letters of your last name– Son. Ohn Son. People are going to think, who the hell’s this guy? I got to meet him. Or her. Who knows? Underneath your name most people would think to put an address and a phone number. I wouldn’t. Why’s that any of their business? But that’s just me. If I had to put an address I’d try again to make myself sound more interesting. Central Park West. New York, NY. Museum of Natural History. Dinosaur Exhibit. Top that. Underneath the address put your real email because that’s how they’re going to contact you. If you follow my plan I guarantee they will. So far I’m thinking this is someone the company needs. All this goes in bold letters.

Next section is the Personal Statement. You can say just about anything here. It’s kind of like the “status post” on Facebook. For example, if you’re sitting at the pool when you send your email off to a hopeful employer your Personal Statement can say: sitting at the pool, drinking a beer and getting tan and shit. Even if it’s winter, you can say that, because then it's like who is this Ohn Son guy sitting at the pool in the middle of winter getting a tan. Awesome. Let’s get this Ohn Son guy in here and see what his tan ass is all about. Who sits at a pool in the dead of winter? A guy with an indoor pool, that’s who. Ohn Son. There’s a second option for the Personal Statement that has also worked for my disciples in the past. I would recommend saying a little about your past as an employee. If you were the best dressed at all your other jobs, say so. Everybody likes a good dresser. Ohn Son is a great dresser. Nobody likes a bad dresser, especially for the girls. If you’ve traveled to some cool places tell them people call you Indiana Jones or Robin Leech cause it gets a chuckle. Before the end mention passionate, disciplined, eager to learn and able to adapt. These are all good ones. And they sound smart, which you are not if you’re considering my advice.

The third section we’re going to run through is Education. Start with your grammar school (it makes your education look longer on paper). List what you studied. Shaped blocks in shaped holes. Alphabet. Math. Social Studies. Ohn Son likes studies. For high school mention you didn’t really go to class much because no one wants to hire a person that went to class a lot in high school. ( Here they might figure you couldn't go to school cause your name is Ohn Son, and that sounds like an ass kicking. Mention your dad wasn't around. That means trouble.) In college you studied law and medicine. You were the president of your fraternity or the princess of your sorority. If you’re a guy you banged a bunch of chicks and if you’re a girl you remained a virgin throughout. (And ladies, if the interviewer should be a man, wink at this time, as though you were a virgin then but far from one now.) At the end of this part mention you read a lot of books about business plans. Sounds ambitious.

Finally for your Work Experience. This is where you can truly impress an employer. Say your were the boss at every job you ever had. If they ask for phone numbers to validate this claim tell them you’ll get back to them but you never will because there’s a good chance you can’t prove that. If you could you wouldn’t be taking resume tips from me. They probably wont follow up. In my experience they take my word for it. I once told an interviewer I was a top executive. I know she bought it because when she finished the interview she mentioned I was overqualified but it was a pleasure meeting someone with so much success. That made me feel really good. Tell them you were a top executive at “Dancing With the Stars.” How could they figure out you weren’t? They’ll have to take your word for it or else risk serious humiliation. If this feels unbelievable to even you humble down and say you were the principal at some high school somewhere in the Mid West.

And to seal the deal, say you're a volunteer at a hospital feeding babies that have no hands.

That's what I'm talking about.