Monday, December 21, 2009

Dear Santa

From Cody Ovitch.

Hey Santa. You never brought me nothing and I feel I’m about due for something. One Christmas Eve I slept in Grampa’s car while he drank everything in a bar across the street. I watched the snow land on the windshield and after an hour I could no longer see the night sky. I didn’t ask for nothing but I remember thinking maybe you’d find me. I understand why you never brought me anything because we moved around so much how were you supposed to figure out where I was. Now I can tell you exactly where I am and I want you to do something for me. I’m in the MDC in Brooklyn, Floor 3 cell 6. My bunky is a black kid from a shitty town and he got mixed up hanging out on the street. He robbed some drug dealer and someone got shot in the foot in the process. Rashid was sentenced to five years in a plea because he was facing fifteen for armed robbery. He’s taking classes in math but he sucks at it. I don’t know what he’s good at. He writes in a notebook but he isn’t ready to share it. When he does everything will change. He’ll find he has better things to do than stand on the corner and sell coke. But I want you to bring him some good pens. The COs only let him have one per month so he’s real careful with it. He even got some bad time because another inmate tried to shake him down for his only pen but Rashid wasn’t having any of it. So bring him some pens damn it. I’ll even hoard some of the stale cookies they give us with dinner and the warm milk they give us with breakfast. And carrots. Never mind, that’s the Easter Bunny. See you soon. Also, if you could do something for the other guys too cause there’s way too many people locked up for no good reason and I heard they’re building another prison nearby. Thanks.

From Feo, my neighbor.

Fuck you old man. You saint of a bitch. I’m running for Santa Claus next year and I’ll do a hell lot better than you no doubt. When no one older than ten believes in you it’s time to call it quits. I’m growing the fucking beard. No ifs. DONE. The other day or maybe yesterday I gave ten dollars to the hunchback that lives in the basement of my building. What are you going to give her? Nothing I’m willing to bet. You’re not half the man I am. I turn sixty-two in March and the rules state Santa has to be sixty-two or more. Expect my campaign to begin soon after. Beware the Ides of March old friend, we have a score to settle. Remember the claw-hammer I asked for? Yeah, I never got it. You’ll get it. I take that back. But watch your ass. My sister called the other day said she got mixed up with a limo driver and he wails on her. I offered to come down to Florida and kill him myself. At first she thought it was a good idea. Then she started thinking about all the good things he does for her. He drives her back and forth to the bar. He grills steaks on Sundays. His eyes are blue. You can guess where I’m going with this one. You’re a smart guy. Lazy yet still quick. But you disappoint me Santa. You disappoint a lot of people. I’m giving you one more chance but if you fail I’m coming after you with everything I got. It wont be a cookie eating contest. It’s going to get bloody and I will win. I’m growing a beard but I wont hide behind it like you. One more chance Santa. Lets see what you got.

Coming Soon: "Beautiful: A Christmas Short"

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